Drinking Games

In February 2020, I read Chanel Miller’s book, “Know My Name.” In the public eye, she was first “Emily Doe,” the victim in the Stanford rape case with rising swimming superstar, Brock Turner.

It is a book that is spectacularly done. Chanel tells this story in a beautiful, smart way. She is so honest, vulnerable and real that reading it feels like a conversation with a friend. So much so that I didn’t tell many others to read it. And, not because it isn’t worth sharing— in fact, quite the opposite. It just felt like such a private conversation that in loyalty to a friend I was supposed to keep close.

Two people I did know immediately I wanted to share it with are my kids. Not today, obviously. But, I told Adam it will be required reading in our house at about fifteen. I believe there are so many good lessons and important things to talk about in Chanel’s words. I even Googled to see if there is a discussion guide for teenagers. 

There wasn’t anything specifically designed for teens, but plenty of reviews and blogs recapping key takeaways. Takeaways like how the system currently in place makes survivors get lost in the story and legal case, making them no more than a body. Brock was an Olympic hopeful swimmer with a squeaky-clean background. Chanel was nameless and had no background. In the case, she was a girl who was drunk at a fraternity and that’s it. But, she was a person with a background, family, job and friends. Dreams and goals too. Anyone and everyone is and the system ignores this in an effort to keep the victims identity disclosed.

Then, there are the realities of rape culture, which perpetuates the idea of “toxic masculinity” or the belief that men are dominate and “just being boys.” Chanel counters this with a beautiful paragraph about the two Swedish grad students who stumbled upon her rape and tackled Brock as he ran away– only first checking on her to make sure she was not hurt. She calls this true masculinity and so do I. If I could teach young boys anything it would to be like the Sweds. 

However, one thing that seemed to be missing in all the online blogs and was even kind of glossed over in Chanel’s writing was the realities of the college and post grad drinking culture. 

Okay, listen: No matter what, no matter how many drinks a person has or if they are blacked out, rape isn’t okay. Because someone or both parties are drunk doesn’t make it okay that it happened or okay to commit. It isn’t and shouldn’t ever be an excuse or justification.

But, could drinking still be a player? And, is it worth conversation? 

I think yes. Not in defense or to be used against anyone, but it is worth a conversation in general.

And, I believe this because I lived it. 

In college, I lived not just in a drinking culture, but a blackout culture and hook up culture. It was cute and funny to “BO” as we called it (black out) and “shack” (stay the night/hook up). And, in reading this book, I came to recognize that I know so many people who were raped. But, it was the normalcy of heavy drinking and hooking up that took away the stigma and didn’t let us call it what it was.

That’s heavy.

But, when you are in it, it looks light and fun. Like it’s not a big deal.

In college, I found worth (as ridiculous as this sounds) as a “party girl.” I was cool because I could drink beers with the guys and was always down for a good time with the girls. When drinking, I went from cute to hot– something I had never been– and that meant something in my eighteen year old mind. With a knack for a good playlist, social charm and excitement to whip up some cocktails, I was the girl you called if you wanted a good time. It became who I was and it was not uncommon to drink- heavily- three to four nights a week.

We masked it as “work hard, play hard,” a mantra we carried into post grad where the drinking continued. Happy Hours became normal and the idea of needing a drink just “unwind” after the long day made daily drinking a habit. The first agency I worked for in Chicago had free vending machine full of our portfolio of beverage clients: Soda’s, hip expensive water, wellness teas and allllllll the beers. 

Every conference I attended had evenings filled with activities based around drinks that carried on very late into the evening.

And, away from work hours, open bars at weddings were a literal free for all and laughs about the night’s shenanigans over brunch- where the drinking continued with Bloody Mary bar’s and bottomless mimosas- filled my weekends. 

That sounds like a lot. But, when you are in it, it was fine. Everyone was doing it, even your boss and the mother of the bride. It was no big deal.

Being a “foodie,” exploring good beer and wine and their flavors became a hobby of mine. Understanding pairings was fun and if I was having chicken I should probably have a chardonnay too, right? Because they pair so well together, right? Never mind that it was a Tuesday. Never mind that we finished a bottle and moved onto another.

Oh, and that grogginess and headache every morning? That isn’t a hangover. Pop some Advil and get to work. Right?

Then came motherhood and it reveled a whole new drinking culture: Mommy Drinking Culture.

Giving up alcohol for the nine months was fortunately easy, and in a way, that was a relief. But, as soon as my kids arrived and I was inducted to this club with a celebratory, “You can drink again!” 

In funny, loving and real manor, I was gifted little strips that looked like the strips of paper I used to test the chlorine levels in the pools where I was a lifeguard as a teen; but, these were designed to determine if there were traces of alcohol in my breast milk.

Onesie’s about baby looking for “a bottle of the house white” filled our drawers.

Still today, on a Target run or quick scroll on TikTok, the messaging is “Mama Needs a Drink.”

I am told this through more onesies, t-shirts, bags, glassware, pillows and actual wine bottles. On social media it’s even more prevalent with #mommyjuice and viral vlogger satires as they sip their moscato. Mom friends are made quickly with the common denominators of: You have a kid AND you like margaritas?  Looks like can be friends!

And, I don’t think the dad’s get off easy on this one. Check out the birthday or Father’s Day cards available for dad’s and it is either ties, grills, golf or booze. Gift guides at the holidays boast the same things each year, too: beer making kits, whiskey ice stones, and personalized pint glasses. There is a whole Daddy Drinking Culture, too.

Since the beginning of our exposure to the many faces of a culture of drinking, it’s all been masked with the justification of self care. 

Getting drunk in college lets the wound tight and stressed student finally release. Same for the post grad.  And, they deserve to relax and let loose just as the maxed out mom or dad does too. It is something deserved. Heck, it may be the only thing you do for you all day.

It’s no secret that I have had a bone to pick with self care for a while and this brings it all to life. So many times “self care” is illustrated as doing something so you can be good for “them.” Them being kids, spouse, bosses, neighbors, clients, whatever. Here is what I have come to find:

1. *Real* self care isn’t easily illustrated. It isn’t Instagram worthy. It’s actually boring. It’s going to the dermatologist or going to bed early.
2. Why should you or would you do something for someone else and call it “self” care?
3. Drinking doesn’t make you good for “them.”

Not just in the sense of being an awful mom/human when I am hungover. (Seriously. Awful.) But, in the sense that normalizing this culture of drinking— especially as parents— is straight up unhealthy. It causes stress, anxiety, mood swings, depression, burnout, weight gain, drowsiness and actual health concerns. 

That “more” became so real and very close to us in the last few years.

For the first time, we are experiencing friends embarking on recovery, addiction breaking relationships we watch grow from the first spark, and even alcohol related illness and deaths. It woke us up to realize it’s not fun and drinking games anymore. It’s a problem.

And, it’s not just unique to our group of friends. The Indy Star recently ran a wildly eye opening article about the rising rates of liver disease in young people citing that many of these new cases are not coming from “stereotypical image of an alcoholic.” They are normal people in their thirties with young families, good jobs and productive lives… and they need liver transplants. The article also noted that this the trending numbers are highest in the female, middle age category.

They are seeing this in women— and men— in the prime of their life who have no problems functioning day to day. But, they are drinking every day in a toast to self care or as something they deserve for all their hard work. Something they learned to do from the drinking cultures they had been exposed to as far back as college.

It’s not the point purpose or scapegoat in Chanel’s story, no. 

But, it is there and worth being a part of the conversation because under a friendly guise of being “a part of this season,” something well deserved and as a way to “take care” of ourselves, it is still putting us in hard, sticky, scary situations.

A note: I feel like it has to be said… I enjoy drinking! After I took stock of a lot of things in 2018, I stopped drinking during the week and really keep an eye on it during the weekend. I sometimes do wrestle with the “foodie” thing and have not committed to hard and fast rules. If I am somewhere fantastic, eating something super special on a Tuesday, let’s have something that pairs well. But, I have just brought more awareness to my own drinking and I don’t drink if I don’t feel like it and I will not drink something if I don’t like it.

I believe drinking is really personal. And for me, yes, there were parts of my drinking at a time that were not good. They were flirting with “a problem” and not bringing value to my life. So I got a little more intentional about it. 

That sounds easy, but it was a bit of work. So much of me thought my drinking was brought on by outside things like work or stress. But, also just hard, worn in habits. It was a me thing. That is when it clicked that I needed to take the reigns and I am so much happier. 

I still do love exploring flavors of wine, cocktails and beers. I enjoy talking with Adam over a glass of wine and love sharing a drink with my friends. I love when the conversation leans into “third glass close” territory and you bet your butt I will celebrate my book with champagne.

It is just now I know how to do this in that manor that drinking brings value to my life, instead of being something to make me “okay” to go back in to it.

On the Podcast today, I talk a little about the idea I have of “Intuitive Drinking” inspired by this conversation and buzzy Intuitive eating.