Creating

My mom asks me often if I have been writing.

It sounds like it could be an annoying question, but I actually don’t mind it. I have asked people to ask about my writing to hold me accountable, especially as I am working on long form projects. I also like it because it forces me to really answer the question. Even if the answer has a tinge of annoyance or frustration in my lack of time spent with my butt in a chair. Or, is just a flat out, “No.” I still like it.

In her asking me this question, she is holding up her part of the deal. But, it’s also because she loves and knows me. She knows that being creative– and writing being my medium of choice most of the time– helps to keep me me.

Since March, I have thought a lot about writing and wanted to write things; but, I have not really done that much of it. Even this blog post feels a little like the first mile after a long break from running.

On one phone call this summer, my mom asked her now well worn question and I truthfully told her that no, I had not been writing.

I could have listed all the excuses that were and still are quite valid. Things like how the noise of the world made it hard to get into my own head and sort things out. I could have shared how the act of wrestling thoughts into words and getting them onto paper is work. And, between the news and the fear and the loneliness and monotony of staying home with toddlers and more, it was work that I was too exhausted to do.

I could have told her that if I could untangle words there was also pressure to say it first, to come correct and profoundly amid a rapid reckoning and cancel culture on social media. I write truth and much of my truth is that while always with good intentions, I make a lot of mistakes. This made writing even more scary than it is on a normal day.

This year, I was also told to “Get back in touch!” when my following is larger from people who could make the dream of a published book true. This barrier to entry is deflating for many reasons. But, as someone in marketing and media professionally, I knows consistent, quality, sharable content is the key to growing a platform.

So, combine all these things? Enter Creation Paralysis.

Back on the phone, as I thought of what to say to validate my lack of time writing, my mom spoke first. Not even letting me answer her question.

She shared that she had recently talked with a friend of her’s who is a potter– a full time artist– and learned that even she had not created one thing since March.

And Glennon Doyle, a New York Times Bestselling Author and objectively a voice of our time, tweeted that even she had not written a word since the start of quarantine.

My own recent writing “By the Numbers” is bleak: Twelve Instagram posts since the start of summer. One blog post. No emails. Not one other agent queried. And, about one hundred, five minute chunks of focus– which might as well be none at all– on my proposal and manuscript. And, likely just as many other scribbles and scratches on many sheets of paper with blog posts that never came to life.

No. I have not been writing.

But, I won’t get flustered or annoyed or rattle excuses when you ask.

Because, while I have not been writing, I have been creating.

In the last nine months, I have picked up a pencil and put it to a new sketch book. Studying figure drawing and doodling online and in library books, creating pages coated in lead as I learn.

There has been plenty of messy mornings painting alongside the kids. Playing with and mixing Crayola colors, creating new shades.

Of course, there has been plenty of kitchen creations. Recipes, lots of cookies, my now famous “salads that are not salads” and many gold rounds of sourdough.

My sister gave me an embroidery kit for my birthday and (thanks to TikTok) I have learned to do every stitch. Punching the needle through the stretched fabric at night before bed, creating flowers, loops, lines and a whole lot of messy knots.

Each of us now has a couple new handmade masks, created from scraps from sewing projects of the past. And, speaking of the past, my mom’s old icing tips helped me to create a beautiful birthday cake for Savannah.

It’s not writing. It’s a new kind of creativity. A kind of creativity that I am new at, so I am giving myself permission to be a beginner. For it not to be perfect. To do it just for fun. For the sake of creating.

But, also with the tangible creations, there has been more creating that might be even more beautiful than that of art and craft.

In the slowness of this time, I have been creating space.

Space in our home by stripping down to the essentials. Space in our lives as we did the same there, recognizing the goodness outside of the hustle of a busy calendar and found on our patio.

Creating space in our hearts for others as the year has stripped away the smog, leaving those less fortunate than us so much more clear.

Because of this, I have been creating new thoughts. Unlearning and reading and learning things I should have learned a long time ago, as well as new things that are fun and fascinating. I have taken those thoughts and created conversation in my circles and will move forward with creating written words again.

But, perhaps most important to me, while the world was screaming and simultaneously sighing, I was creating memories.

I didn’t know it at the time; but, stepping away from the screen and words when I felt stuck, took me to the couch or to the floor for snuggles during another viewing of Frozen II or our five hundredth round of Candy Land. It took us outside to walk and stare at the sky, creating stories abut the clouds.

All the art projects, time in the kitchen and in books and in my head and my heart stitch together to create some of what will be no doubt my most treasured memories.

So no. I have not been writing.

But, I have been creating.

Join me on the podcast this week as I talk more about what you all have been creating thanks to some fun feedback on Instagram earlier this week.