I left my previous job the first week of October and as we approached Halloween I was asked, “How have you changed?”
It had been twenty days.
I knew enough about change and habits to know that I needed more time for any change to be lasting. And, to expect to see any transcendental change in that amount of time, perhaps, could happen… But, it wasn’t my reality and to set someone else up with that expectation wouldn’t be fair.
I joked and said that much of those twenty days had been spent catching up on laundry. (Half true.)
But, really, at that point I was still raw and a little exhausted.
After a few laughs, I explained that there were a few things that I was hoping to change and do in the short term. I was trying things and being intentional about those areas.
Nothing too profound. No cataclysmic shift. Part of me felt bad for not having a better answer.
But, now? With just over 100 days at this new pace? I can see it better now.
I can see the change from then to now. I was doing it then at day twenty, but, then, my head down doing work and making new habits. Making change.
The change? I am alive.
Yes. All summer, I was walking, breathing, talking… by all intents and purposes, alive.
But, not fully alive.
I was run by my to do list and inbox. Run by toddler emotions. Run by “oh shoot it’s dinner time-again- and we have to eat.” Run by exhaustion. Expectations. What ever was right in front of me was important, but still, many times I wasn’t all there either.
I let life just happen to me and I would react as it came.
I wanted- and tried- so much to be in control, but it still felt so much was out of control and I was left brittle. Always gritting my teeth, bracing for impact.
I make it sound hard.
It was hard.
Almost broke me kind of hard.
Here is what I know now: By retreating to this scattered, reactionary, vacuous place, I made it hard.
At Christmas, we were talking about time and how it goes fast. How it is a precious resource. Maybe even the most precious resource. We all agreed that we all want more of it in each day.
My dad disagreed, however.
He shared that it’s not time that is the most precious resource, it’s mindfulness.
Time is a great equalizer because we all get the same amount. It’s mindfulness that we want more of. Mindfulness is the scarcest, most precious resource.
I thought about how I had been feeling clearer, lighter, more awake… more alive since the shift on October 1. It’s not that life has changed too much. We still have jobs, the farm, things we are building, toddlers to care for, a home to manage, laundry running and dinner to get on the table every night.
Life really isn’t any easier… but, in many ways it is.
And, it’s because I have chosen to wake up and come alive. I have become mindful.
Instead of working through lunch and finding myself starving at 3:00, in my pantry, eating everything I can get my hands on- fast, I make a lunch and eat it. Sometimes at my desk, but that’s okay. And, if I need a snack at 3:00, I reach for something healthier like an apple or even will take the time to measure a serving of nuts instead of impassivly emptying the container.
Instead of feeling pulled in 40 different directions and responding to the needs of multiple projects at one time, I am experimenting with batch work. And, it’s working. I even keep my phone in a completely different room when working on a some projects.
Instead of pouring another glass of wine to watch more episodes of Vanderpump Rules, I listen to my tired body and I go to bed. This helps me be happier when Theo wakes up at the crack of dawn and I even-sometimes- wake up before him and start the day with a candle, coffee, and intentions.
Instead of believing I had no time to work out, I make put it in the day’s top three priorities. And, I also bring in tools like a Fit Bit so I can stay on track.
Instead letting the wheels fall off and letting a toddler ravage the house, I quickly make up activities when I see that their toys are no longer interesting. Simple things like balancing ice cubes on a wooden spoon and walking through the kitchen have become a fun game.
Instead of expecting Adam to read my mind, we talk a lot more about wants and needs. Using technology tools like shared calendars and setting a lunch meeting once a month to discuss the farm has been a great shift. We used to try to talk about goals and plans in the evening, tired from the day and with toddlers in the vicinity. Now evenings can be spent together as a couple, not as roommates or business partners.
Maybe to you, it doesn’t seem all that riveting. I mean, I get it, I am probably the last person on the planet to get a FitBit. And, you maybe knew how to prevent distraction and how to listen to your body.
I wasn’t that enlightened.
But, now I see the results of my choices. My choice to be apathetic in setting the tone for my own life was making it too hard to manage. But, it was my choice to be this way.
Making a choice to be mindful about my wellness, the tone of my household- especially in the traditionally more chaotic moments, and quality of my day… my life? It has opened my eyes and reminded me that we are in far more control than we think.
Be mindful of this.
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