When Life Gives You a Girl.

The other night at dinner Adam and I were talking about how fast this pregnancy is going. I don’t know if it’s because the majority of it has been in the summer, a season that seems to fly anyways. Or, if it’s because our life is so full with the farm. Maybe it’s because we are chasing a funny toddler. Or, maybe it’s the dreaded second child syndrome… already.

Whatever it is, I decided that I need to take things slower before the third trimester also flies by.

Okay.

I made that sound like a super conscious, transcendental decision.

Buttttt… it actually steams from a very unconscious, absent-minded, embarrassing moment.

Last week, I swung by Starbucks to grab a drink. I cruised up to the drive through… and all the way to the window.

When I got there, I looked at the teenage boy working and realized… Um, hello?! Earth to Claire? You forgot to order.

The brace-face boy smiled and awkwardly waved at me as I realized what I had done and looped back around.

Yes. Driving away did cross my mind… but, the thought of a decaf iced coffee was so ingrained in my head, I stuck around.

(And, yes. Decaf. Thanks pregnancy. I couldn’t even make a joke about “really needing caffeine” without it being totally lost on this baby barista.)

So, latte in hand, I decided I needed to clue in a little more. Take quiet, slow moments to think about this baby.

… A baby girl!

Which truth be told, is a concept that I was still coming around to.

The plan was to be Team Green again, but the ultrasound tech left the gender images, the final shots she took, on the TV screen as Adam and I packed up after our 20 week appointment. I couldn’t help but look. It was right there! You would have looked too.

So, it was unexpected to find out the gender.

And, truth be told, I really thought it was a boy.

It’s weird because while pregnant with Theo, all my visions of motherhood were almost always girly.  I imagined the outfits; the heart to hearts and cuddling in my bed until she is 25; the toys; watching Adam melt every time she needed his help; holding back my own tears as she walks down the stairs to her prom date and did I mention the outfits?

Then Theo arrived and it’s been all boy since Day One.  It’s been being amazed at how strong he is; loving the “vroom” he echos as a loud car goes by; laughing as he legit flirts with any and every lady; trying my best to keep him from mud puddles and lots of open mouth kisses from my little Momma’s Boy.

That’s what motherhood looked like to me, so it’s no wonder that was the feeling I had.  I saw brothers and weekends at the ball park.  Lots of dirty clothes and legos. Boogers and plenty of fart jokes… likely at the dinner table.  Fraternity Mom’s Days and picking out first dance songs for their wedding day.

I wouldn’t go as far to call it “gender disappointment” because it’s not.  It’s not even the panicked, “I don’t know what to do with a girl!” Not at all.  It’s more like “gender realignment” because of the visions and feelings I had.  

Which sounds a lot more complicated than my actual intent.  

Especially because while I absolutely adore being a #boymom, something would be missing from my life without a girl.

Without this girl.

My favorite moments of thought and reflection are best accompanied by a good beverage. And, since cocktails and caffeine are out, I decided to get a little creative to really enjoy my attempts for slower moments.

I am not much for sugary drinks so commercial lemonade always leaves an “ick” taste in my mouth. But, good, fresh homemade lemonade? It’s everything. Super refreshing. Just enough sweetness. And for this one, I upgraded things to make it a little more special… and girly.

I added a floral flavor from my garden’s fresh lavender.

To do this, I pressed the pretty purple flowers into the sugar to give the sweetness some perfume. It was slow, hands on, and by using flowers I couldn’t help but think of all the fun moments having a girl will bring.

The #girllife makes sense to me.  From the gender generalizations to breaking the mold.  I live it and have surrounded myself with amazing woman breaking barriers… and still are fun to get pedicures with.  

Maybe I have had to sit with this one a little because knowing the gender has brought on an little underlying fear of my own.  A fear of  how to help her fight everything the world will throw at her from who she should be, how she should act, and of what having “it all” will mean.  

Instead of dance recitals and little aprons covered in flour as we bake together, I am visualizing more of the hard stuff. 

But, these are things all mothers will deal with regardless of the gender of their children.  

Trust me, I can go there with the “hard stuff” for boys in a millisecond. It’s not any easier.  But, what helps is knowing Theo.

So, maybe… just maybe having these extra 20 weeks of knowing the gender has put me in the position to have to do a lot of thinking about it without the ability to hold her.  To kiss her and tell her it’s okay.  And, to have her surprise me by telling it’s okay too even if it’s just with her smile.  A big hug.  Or a sloppy, open mouth kiss.

So, for now, I will just drink my lemonade and bubble with joy when she kicks letting me know it will all be okay.