A New Year: Part 2

My sister just shared an Instagram reel full of highlights from the year and the caption began with, “It’s honestly a little stupid how much has changed in 2022.”

I giggled.

I giggled in part because I am a mom to a five and a six year old… I spend at least ten minutes each day exasperated, demanding those under five feet tall in my house to stop saying “stupid.”

The other part of the giggle was a weird, dark humor that lives in me.

And also because, she is not wrong.

This will read a little bit more like a newsletter than a homily (as my Dad calls my blogs– toasts and eulogies, too), but after a year like this one, let’s get caught up with all the changes.

First, the biggest and already discussed bomb in 2022 was the death of my brother. Danny had been living in Vietnam for a year, moving there at the start of 2021 to be with his long, long distance girlfriend of a couple years. I am still working on untangling the grief and trauma of the night he died– experiencing so much of it even just through the phone as I was the one who initially got the call and had to deliver the news– again, over the phone– breaking the hearts of my family.

Guiding kids through this has been hard, a learning curve and also a great opportunity for good conversations for us. I am sure I am not doing things 100% right, but I feel content where my kids are in processing. It’s weird and I have a half-baked Notes App thought on how Danny may kind of be more like a “grandfather” of a memory for my kids. Something like how it’s not terribly unusual for a grandfather to pass away in the early years of a child’s life and yet their life is marked by his legacy and mutual, unconditional love despite him not having a big, living “role” in the story of their lives. There is something like peace, but also anger there for me. Got to work it out more…

See? There is something, sorta there in those Notes… despite the fog of the year and grief.

In terms of tangible things that I did learn from Dan’s death, there is one diamond in this mud that I can give to you today: Set up an Apple legacy contact on your phone.

We could not access Danny’s Apple devices for MONTHS and not without the help of lawyers and Apple’s legal team. It is easy to do: Go to settings. Tap your name. Tap password and security, then tap Apple Legacy. Add Legacy contact. It will ask your to authenticate and will send a text to the person you choose. This person will have access to all your Apple devices in the event that you pass away.

This seems weird because… privacy! But, when someone is gone you would love to see the world though their photo lens again. To hear their voice memos– especially if they are a musician like Dan.

My sister is my legacy and she is under strict order to make the call of either burning or publishing my Notes App. She has better judgement than almost anyone I know… So, only time and fate will tell.

As mentioned in Part 1, my year pendulum swung from what will likely go down as one of the saddest events of my life, to one of the happiest: my great friend Betsy got married in June in Mexico and I was the Maid of Honor.

It was an event! There were celebrations all spring as we geared up for the big day. Betsy knows, but serving as a Maid of Honor in the season of mourning my brother was really hard for me. Not because I was not happy for her; but, I hated that the slowness and hardships of me moving through mud served as the backdrop for that season. It was not easy and there were a few other elements that felt like loss on top of loss when slugging through.

However, once we were in Mexico with so many great college friends I was reminded of the sunshine that is always found in life and my great friend. (I even had to bring it into the toast!) Her committing to forever with her great, long awaited love, the Mexico sun and a morning laughing while doing (kind of racy) water aerobics– all while drinking champagne!– with my longtime best friends made me finally feel lighter and sunnier, too.

In July we gathered in Michigan again for Danny’s burial. My parents found a plot in Saugatuck and we planted a tree where we spread his ashes. The week or so leading up to this was heavy and strange for my whole family. I had actual physical pain that prompted me to get tested for everything from pregnancy to Lyme disease. My parents were also not sleeping well. My dad calling his own mood “dark.” #relatable Kerry was exhausted, too. I am learning that bodies can and do respond to psychological pain in physical ways… and it just sucks.

(As I write this, I am still feeling the effects of this from Christmas and perhaps even as we open up into a New Year– in so many ways ready to say “good riddance” to 2022; but, also keenly aware that time is passing and that 2023 is a year that Dan will have never seen.)

And then… Even before Danny died, back in later 2021, an idea began percolating: Adam was approached to potentially purchase a business similar to the one we purchased from his parents a few years ago. Like his own dad, the owner was looking to retire and needed a buyer.

Strategically, the location made a lot of sense. And professionally, it made a lot of sense. Adam wants to grow the business. He wants to give his current employees opportunities to grow, too.

But, it would potentially require a move from our home in order to give the new location more attention to get totally up and running.

In a weird world of fate or irony or just the natural pull to look for such a thing, hours before I got the call about Danny I was driving around Lafayette and West Lafayette after a meeting at Purdue. I was just checking out neighborhoods and plots of land I had seen on Zillow. I drove by a couple schools and started to play around with the idea of living there. The area is close to I-65 and State Route 26, the roads that would connect the would be three locations of Adam’s business.

Danny had just started his second semester in his studies for his Masters online with Purdue. In my daydreams that afternoon– perhaps even while a clot was taking the shape of a bullet that would enter his lung– I saw him and his girlfriend even moving there, too. Embracing the international impact of Purdue and living a musical and academic life in the neighborhoods close to campus, while we were further out of town… but, still in the same town. A quick drive away. Weeknight dinners and Sunday cookouts becoming a regular part of our lives.

And yet, the day continued and the daydream turned to a nightmare of moments that became our reality. But, as it does, life goes on and we kept working out details and learning from the seller of the business and kept a pulse on Zillow.

In late July we thought the deal was lost. I brought in contractors to quote finishing the basement and we also talked a lot about putting in a pool. If we weren’t moving, we were going to really make our home “home.”

But, then the pendulum swung again. The deal was back on and we need to be in the Lafayette area. My friend Laura sent me a link to a home that was in the neighborhood of her old boss and was going on the market the next morning: Danny’s Birthday.

We booked a showing, already losing a home we loved a couple weeks before due to the wild market.

The home wasn’t anything special; and yet, it was special. It was so different than our home; and yet, it felt like home.

We weren’t in a hurry, but if we had to move this seemed like the right place. We low balled an offer and just before Purdue kicked off at the first game of the season a text came through my phone letting us know the offer was accepted and we were in fact moving– soon.

Moving was the right move and really exciting, of course. Tons of work, too. But, also really sad.

Adam and I picked out the plans for our home when we were engaged in 2010. We studied books and online plans for weeks, settling on what would become ours with a few tweaks. (Omitting a tub for a bigger closet– things that a decade later I would have done differently.) Adam served as contractor as we built the home. He laid the floors. We painted the walls together after work in the early days of our marriage until daylight ran out since the electrical wasn’t in yet. We picked out every little element ourselves finally moving in in January 2013.

We planted every tree, including fruit trees for each kid, and dug the garden that lead to this blog and that would lead to the farm business we created completely from scratch, converting the once conventionally farmed land back to pasture, installing fencing and raising animals.

We didn’t just have to say goodbye to that house, we had to say goodbye to the farm, too. It was a lot of work and there are parts of me glad to have a little more free time and less responsibility, no doubt. But, updating the website this week letting visitors know that we are no longer in business was surprisingly sad. It felt a little like a let down to other people, but also like the closing of a big, important and good chapter. A chapter that could have been great for a long time, had that been the case but, life swung us another way.

This swing also came at a time that after the baby years and then the pandemic years, I felt like I was making friends regularly. What was neat about these friends was that it wasn’t a friend because of Adam’s history with them or their partner– something that happens when you move to your partner’s hometown. These were I made on my own. They were my friends because they wanted to be friends, too. That was special and exciting and really sad to leave behind.

By November, we were moved out. We are now in a 1980s home with a great layout and “opportunities” for more “style,” settled on a half acre, in a neighborhood and all in new schools. Adam is busy and stressed, but thriving with the new challenges for his career. The kids love the neighborhood and the ability for a quick game of soccer with the boys next door. Even Koda, our dog, loves the stimulation of the new place.

My role in the business is now less defined as the new location brought in the need for Adam’s sister, better suited for the full time and detailed nature of managing the books. So, career wise, I feel a little like I am treading water– available, but unsure what is needed or what direction I might go next. Who knows what “swing” may be in store for me here? But, kindly a group of women in the new neighborhood added me to their group text and invites me for walks and coffee. Maybe the pause is good.

So, TL;DR?

I started the year with a job, longtime home, and brother… and I am ending it totally differently. Crazy, stupid, and some very good and some very terrible changes.

A note: Kerry’s stupid changes? A new house for her, too! A new job for both her and her husband! And… she is pregnant!

PS- I also would be remiss to not mention in my “newsletter” a great trip to Napa with my grade school friends. It was one of those things where we have been talking about a “trip” for ages and that becomes routine. But then my amazing friend, Meghan just said, “Listen. Just book your flights. I have the rest.” She planned a quick, amazing weekend that made me feel so lucky. Lucky to be in such a beautiful place and lucky to have those great girls in my life for the last twenty plus years. If you and yours are always “talking” about it, plan the trip. Might I recommend Napa? I feel like we just barely scratched the surface. I am looking forward to going back.