Girl, Be Kind.

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The book came recommended from a friend who also loves to read. We exchange celebrity memoirs and fiction titles often, so I put it on my TBR list. It was early 2018 and soon I saw the cover every where: All over GoodReads, at Target and on Audible’s homepage… so, I read it.

I read lots of business/self help/mindset books in my twenties. Things like Sophia Amoruso’s “Girl Boss” and Stella and Dot founder’s, “Find Your Extraordinary.” I read Gretchen Rubin’s, “Happiness Project” many times. Anything by Shauna Neiquest, Jen Hatmaker, Glennon Doyle and Brene Brown. I lumped it in with those. For the most part, I liked the author’s voice (… I did roll my eyes a bit at her referring to the reader as “gangster” and “sister”) and some of the things she had to say. It was a fine read. I added her on Instagram based on a genuine curiosity when I read how she gets to go to the Oscars because of her husband’s job.

Truly.

A bit of background on this… The summer I spent in California, I became fascinated by the jobs beyond “acting” when it came to putting on movies. I was invited to see Indiana Jones with Shia LeBouf at the Emmy theater. That afternoon pulled back the curtain and made me think differently as the audience sat for the entirety of the credits. They were reading them! They we looking for names they knew beyond the A-Listers. Who’s was the craft services team? The stunt doubles? The marketing machine behind it? Who coordinates the events? These people were their neighbors.

Anywho.

The book caught fire and soon it was everywhere.

She was everywhere.

And, within six months Rachel Hollis was a part of my everyday life. 

I got into conversations with friends and peers about the book and Rachel. The Greek Life world is a fan of a good speaker and many of my equals across the industry were taking note. So were my fellow business owners in the farmers market/small business scene. That summer, I recommend the book to others and gave it as gifts to friends and clients. I listened to her daily livestream and went through the backlog of her podcast, then called Dias, and found them to be pretty good. I went to the streaming of her documentary, inviting my sister in law. I read her fiction books, published years before the fame of “Girl, Wash Your Face.” I made friends in the community and my own based on our collective fandom.

And, I was the perfect fan: A mom with two new babies who had one foot in the corporate world, another in our side business. A dream to write and create, but also be a great mom, a great wife, a great friend and to look good doing it.

I was also just really curious about it all. She was an event planner that fell into blogging to help promote the business, but began to find more success there in the boom of Pinterest perfection of the early 2010s. And, now she was on top of the New York Times Best Seller List week after week. As someone kind of in blogging, it was an interesting case study.

There is evidence of it all being problematic from the jump. In reading her book, I was raptured by the story of her daughters adoption and how her first book was rejected over and over. I like some of the ideas like “embracing the chaos” of your season, especially if you are in toddlerhood. But, I did get a “that’s weird…” feeling as she shared the story about how she got together with her husband. Not mentioning at all how toxic it really was, but rather painting it as a love story for the ages didn’t sit well with me.

The line about not trusting someone who goes back on their promises they make to themselves has been proven to be very troublesome. But, at the time, it spoke to me in a special kind of way as it was a massive fear of mine. Deep down, I always felt like I was making these plans, goals and dreaming wild dreams and never completely following through or doing enough. Her wording about not trusting lying Pam eating pizza, even though she said she was “doing Whole30,” hooked me because I was raised in a system that made me believe that even my weight was evidence of my lack of self discipline and not trying hard enough. (More on this dark and twisty belief another day.)

Late in the summer I wrote a list of goals and after exhausting a few sheets of paper, my inner self loathing told myself that what I really should have just written was: “Do Everything Better.”

Many of those goals were good.

• Start working out again

• Be a mom that wakes up energized in the morning

• Drink less

• Write again

• Automate what I can in the marketing of the farm

As the year came to a close, I joined her Last 90 Days, a challenge to live the last 90 days of the year like you would the first thirty. I loved this idea. I knew the feeling of spending all December a little drunk, always with a sugar cookie always within reach. Come December 27 I always felt miserable. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel great going into the New Year for a change?!

It was. I was lighter in more ways than one. I was drinking water more and alcohol less. I was working out. I was writing again. I was less scattered and I woke up singing pop songs. I was happy.

Then, 2019 happened and I started to see cracks. 

I often wonder, “When do you become an adult… really?”

At 18? 21? After graduating college? When you have your own home? When you get married? Have a kid? Turn 30?

I became an adult in 2019.

So many good and terrible things happened that year. I had to learn really hard lessons and see a lot fall apart. Two of my friends– that I now regretfully gave Rachel’s book to in 2018– walked through massive losses. So did the friend who originally passed the title along. A friend was lost to addiction. Another was found to be still with us; but also not, thanks to the same disease. Adam worked hard to find his footing with his business and I worked hard to find my role in our family. My grandmother was peacefully released from Alzheimer’s grip and I looked at my own mother with new eyes as she cared for her in those last days. I wrestled with privilege and my fragility as the news every day forced me to sit with them.

All the while, Rachel Hollis was like a background track to the year with her weekly podcasts and daily live streams. Sometimes it was great and her voice was just what I needed to hear. Other times, she would say something and I would just toss it, considering it as something that just wasn’t for me. But, more and more I would hear something and think, “I don’t know how to feel about that…”

The claims on plagiarism initially didn’t bother me too much because being a bit of a business/self help junkie, it felt like there really weren’t many new ideas once you spent a little time there. But, it kept happening and I took note.

Her second non-fiction book was mediocre at best. A reshuffling of the (stolen) ideas in her first book at worst.

I didn’t love her growing fandom within MLM’s and her serving as the keynote speaker for all their events. In real time, Adam and I were seeing the real damage they cause within small communities and family’s that we loved.

And, amid all that was going on in my life, I started to question some of her ideologies. A “mindset shift” and “moving your body” wasn’t going to help the people I was close to.

Years before, when I first began asking myself big questions about religion, it was rooted in that some of the messaging I was taught in church wasn’t true for all Christians. I started to see this in Rachel’s messaging too realizing that the messaging was packaged “for women” but really it was for a certain type of woman.

I kept following along, though. I still thought it all was an interesting phenomenon. You couldn’t deny the growth and fame she was amassing. Her books were both on the top of the NYT’s list. She interviewed Joe Biden and spoke everywhere. I liked watching her team grow and was impressed by much of what she put out from a clothing line to coaching and I even really liked her planner.

However, by the time 2019’s Last 90 Days was gearing up, I was only half in. The habits I had put in place the year before were still going strong and I felt good. For the first time since becoming a mom, I felt confident in my body, our business and my writing, and in the decisions I made. I didn’t find myself reaching for the daily motivation or tuning into the podcast. I wondered if maybe I had outgrown her messaging.

But, then 2020 came, and I realized what it was: She was mean.

She was snippy to the community, to her husband, her dog and even to her children. She had abrasive ways of storytelling, advice giving, and talking about other people in and around her industry. (Ahem. Taylor Swift…) She complained about her speaking opportunities and even her own events seemed to be a pain. She made satires about “Mama needing a drink…” and you know how I feel about this. And, quarantine seemed to really not sit well with her.

I hate saying “She was mean” because it sounds a lot like the tropes that women deal with all the time. The, “You should smile more!” or a “Be nice!” kind of thing.

I wrote about “being good” last week and my dad and I talked about it a bit after the post went live. It was a good conversation about what a needle it is to thread in order to teach a child to “be good.” Learning to “be nice” is a similar needle to thread.

You want a child to be nice, but not so nice that they get walked all over. Nice, but also strong willed enough to stand up and say things like, “I think you are wrong,” “I don’t agree,” and “No.” But, you want them to say those things in a way that isn’t belittling. Miss the eye of the needle and you have a child that is a doormat or a bitch. No pressure!

Hyperbole aside, what I think I see in the eye of the needle is the foundation of a value system. I see kindness; but, with a bit of rethinking— dare I say mindset shift– on the word.

“Being Kind” sounds like a synonym of “Being nice,” but in reality they are two different things.

Nice is, “You look great today.”

Kind is, “How are you, really?”

And, I don’t see “kindness” falling into the category of things that are unfairly demanded of women– or men for that matter.

I don’t know if Rachel got too entrenched in the “Give Zero F’s!” world of power and “Boss.” Or, if that world wore on her. Or, if she is just inherently mean. But, what I know now is that she is certainly not nice. Or even kind for that matter.

I know now because hard things happen and you can’t work or think or manifest your way out of them. I know now because whittling people down to or making assumptions about one, single thing is beyond rude. I know now because looking at the world as a mountain to climb minimizes so many. I know now because I lived like her for a while, and yes some of it was good and lasting, but there were times that I wasn’t even kind to myself.

I know a lot more than I did three years ago.

My 2019 brought a lot of adulting shit; but, maybe you are truly an adult when you finely thread the needles of “good” and “nice” just right and you find “kind.”

Kind is when you stop being nice and good and you tell the truth in a manner that is clear, not cruel. Kind is when you start calling things what they are.

Like how fringe time to work out and write is privilege.

Like how using words like “gangster” and “sis” is appropriation.

Like how calling your house keeper “the sweet woman who cleans your toilet” is wrong and hurtful.

Like how believing (and teaching) that working “your ass off” will ultimately lead to success is harmful.

Like how a leader blaming their team for a wrong doing isn’t leadership.

Being kind is also when you follow through with action. Unfollowing is a great place to start and it’s not to cancel or shame, but to signal to partners and publishers that this person does not align with your value system.

And, at the end of the day, you are kind to yourself, too.

You don’t let yourself be embarrassed or ashamed for being a fan. (I don’t know… maybe you write a whole blog post about it?!)

And, maybe you get over the idea that a little extra weight on your hips isn’t evidence of being weak; but rather, it was a day you cuddled your kids and watched a movie instead of working out. Maybe it was a couple slices of prosciutto over the serving size when sharing a cheese board with girl friends. Maybe it was an extra glass of red wine when in a good conversation with your husband. Whatever it was, it’s was kindness.

The world deserves it and so do you.

On the podcast I plan to talk about how I still think Rachel Hollis is a really interesting case study on blogging, especially as influencers get bigger, develop their own brand and even gain representation similar to those of a traditional “A-Lister.” (Fun Fact… did you know that the Screen Actor’s Guild now accepts Influencers?! YES.)