Beautiful Girls

Last summer, I was out to lunch with a friend and our kids. As we settled everyone into the table with the right high chairs and booster seats, crayons and sippy cups, the waitress- with her arms full of water and menus- commented on how cute all the kids were.

We laughed and said friendly a “Thank you!”

The waitress continued to sing praises on the cuteness of our kids joking that we were “in trouble.” And then she looked at Savannah. “Especially with that one, Mom. You are going to have a lot of trouble with that one…” 

Oh, great. Here comes a cliched, rude, sexist comment about boys wanting to date my toddler, I thought. Here comes the “dad better get a shotgun.”

But, she finished her thought with, “… with the other girls.”

I have an unfortunately expressive face and I fought- with likely zero success- to make it not read, “Seriously?”

I looked at Savannah. She is cute. But, I feel like she is objectively cute in the way that all kids are cute.

But, what hit me most in the comment from the waitress was the implied idea that Savannah may have trouble with female relationships because of how she looks. That crushed me.

Society has a way of telling us what female relationships should look like. It tell us that females are enemies, competing for grades, boys, attention and- more that ever- whoever looks the best. 

Just look at any comment section with a photo of Meghan Markel and Kate Middleton together at an event. It immediately becomes a vicious pile of words comparing how the two look. 

Society tells us that girls, especially those who are attractive, are mean and society loves a girl fight. 

Just look at any show on cable, a 2000’s teen movie or talk to the parent of a middle schooler. I know that is the narrative. I lived it and am not proud to say that yes, I have even participated in it a bit.

Sometimes society and even innuendos from history goes as far to tell us that girls couldn’t possibly be real friends.

But, despite my few cocktail fueled attempts at “mean girl,” on that particular day I was out to lunch with a friend that has been my friend for over twenty years.

She was there for middle school and high school. College and post grad and pregnancy. And, through all of it- the hormones, the awkwardness and the desire to be “cool-” all I can remember is her championing my beauty. And, I hope that is what she remembers of me too. 

Not that we were knock out’s. (We weren’t.) Like any other girls from our time, we had bad eye brows, fake tans, choppy layered haircuts, braces and lingering baby fat. 

… Okay, actually just me. I can’t remember this friend with any of those things but braces.

But, still she thought I was beautiful and, likewise, I thought the same of her… because she was my friend.

She was a real friend.

A real, great friend.

She liked me for me, not because of my clothes or hair. We shared our insecurities and laugher over smart humor. We pushed each other to be our best in the pool and in school and tried hard to resist to compete because- at the end of the day- we knew our “best” was our own. We embraced our differences, like how she liked rock and roll and I liked country music, and we recognized we were never going to convert one to the other… and that was okay.

We didn’t always see eye to eye and we challenged each other in good, hard ways over the years. But, still, we loved each other through every success and heartache that has come our way. And, with the two of us, we have seen our fair share of each.

Without this real friendship, and my deep net of so many more, there would be such a void in my life. Far more valuable to me than a size 4 booty, flowing hair, or the whitest, straightest teeth are these friendships.

If females can reclaim anything from what society tells us we should be I hope it is that female friendship is actually wonderful. 

Essential even.

We were made to be connected and we serve each other so well by sharing bits of wisdom from our many life experiences, not just our beauty regime. (Even though, that still can be fun- and valuable- too.) Men are great and in a lot of ways very important too, but a man can’t do what a female friend can. They can’t understand like another woman can.

I wish I told this to the waitress that day who was clearly still living inside a catty, superficial understanding of female relationships designed by a society that lead her to believe this as truth. 

But, there is one gal who will not miss this lesson. 

Through action- my own and my friends- and so much conversation, I will be certain that Savannah seeks friendship… real friendships. Friendships that are not based on power, relational aggression and “attractiveness.” 

And, even more so, she will know that her value is not found in how she looks; but, rather who she is. 

She will be charged to rewrite this narrative from society too and, in that, know that that her truest beauty and value to this world will be found in her ability to laugh and motivate, to be honest, open and kind. 

She will know that- no matter what society tells her- one of the most attractive things of all is a real, beautiful friend.

As always, this blog post can be found on the podcast. After the reading, Claire discusses the friendship showcased in this clip from the Today Show: https://www.today.com/video/meet-the-sorority-sisters-celebrating-6-decades-of-friendship-78227525951?fbclid=IwAR2tHvF-9Ktx9cChrmECXZZJf4xoPIU8xHRn88bMA9tuixJHzppoDpo68Ds