What Will They Think?

It took a while, but when I finally knew I needed to leave my job for the sake of my family and my health, I was so afraid.

Sure there was the whole consistent paycheck thing, but I was most afraid of what would happen when people- my peers, my clients, the competition- knew I left.

What would they think? What would they say?

“She couldn’t handle it.”

“What happened…?”

“She doesn’t believe in it anymore.”

“She is trying to make that silly little farm work…”

“She *thinks* she can be a writer.”

“She wants to spend more time with her family.  She just isn’t a true ‘professional.'”

I didn’t want to let them down, have them make assumptions, or make them upset. Try as I did to avoid it and be as professional as possible, it felt like every relationship I made was personal.

This was a blessing and a curse.  It led to being well liked and respected, but also taken advantage of.  

People knew I cared and would get things done.  It was awesome to have their belief in me, but also lead to weekend phone calls.  Calls when many people knew it wasn’t my job to “fix it,” but they felt by getting me involved  it would get done “faster.”  Sometimes these calls were not even problems yet, but there was a worry that it “could be.”  It lead to stress and even personal attacks on things that were not in my hands and untrue.  It was hard on my head and my heart.

Because of my fear and the reality I had created, even in my resignation I wasn’t clear on a end date saying we could talk about it. I put out the idea of a potential contract role through the end of the year.  I didn’t want to rock the boat.  I wanted it to be easy on everyone.  I was so afraid of what people would say.

But, our president gave me a gift.

He likely didn’t realize it and I know I didn’t at the time, but six weeks later I can see it was a gift. He said no. He said he appreciated me and the offer, but no. “You are done” he told me.

I wanted to scramble and say “No! No!  You don’t get it.  My heart is still in it. I want to help.  I can make this easier on everyone.” 

“Done” seemed so definitive and it was scary.  So finished.  So done.

But, it was what I needed.

I needed to get off the train that I was on that was barreling into a life that I did not want.  A life where I cared more about my clients and what people in the work place thought of me than my own family. More than my relationships.  More than my dreams.  More than myself.  

The first week off that train?  Not going to lie… the first week was weird.  I felt like I was constantly forgetting something, but by Thursday- four days “done-” I started to feel a new focus and was making a plan to hit the ground running in my new routine.  I was excited and began to see that being done was a very good thing.  

And, then a phone call came in.

It was an old client who had a concern that something “may” go wrong.  A usual call I would get that would derail my day… in hindsight, over nothing.  Nothing has happened, but maybe/they thought/have a feeling it might.  And, even if that thing were to happen… I still wasn’t the person who was in place to take care of it.  

Yet, I would still get the phone call.

It became clear that this client was under the impression that I was still employed.  She had not received notice because, as just a sales rep, I had not been her contact for some time… but, per usual, -driving home that fear I felt- I got this phone call.

I thanked her for the call, told her I would get in touch with her team to make sure they heard the concern and then shared that I had left the company.

She was flabbergasted.  Upset to the point of anger.

Then, the words that can stab a good sale person right in the heart: “This is a bait and switch.”

Ugh.  Please, oh please. No. Don’t do that. Not to my little people pleasing heart. 

All my fears right there.  Fear of letting people down.  Fear of them assuming the worst… about me and my old employer. 

I thought for a moment and then decided to tell her the truth.  

She has grown children, I thought.  And, she is a working woman.  She will get it.  

I shared being on the road was hard.  My family was suffering because of it.  Which was hard on me.  In turn, taking it’s toll on my physical and emotional health.  We have a side business that I want to focus on and balancing everything was a lot.  

Nothing happened.  

Nothing has changed.  

I just needed to step back and recalibrate a few areas on my life.

Crickets.

And, then she told me she had to make another phone call and hung up.

For a while, I thought she didn’t get it.  I thought I should text her or follow up with an email.  I thought about it for a whole day.  It ate at me.  

But, then, it clicked.  It’s not that she didn’t get it… She didn’t hear me.  She wasn’t even listening.

What will they think?  What will they say? 

Nothing.  

Everyone is too worried about themselves. 

And, that okay!  Because now, I am too.